On Womanhood and Loss

You learn that separation is your only salvation

So you vow to never be like your mother

You swear to never live in the margins of need

To take up more than cramped, small spaces.

But they halt you in your tracks

Weaponizing the word عيب against you

A border is being drawn at your feet.

And you are locked out

You watch as everything you long for

Is an arm stretch away.

There are multitudes brewing at the back of your head

And a restless ache seats itself inside of you

For things you dare not name

And the weight of it all ages you.

Sometimes

You think womanhood is just another name for yearning.

My body feels frozen

Stuck in a series of déjà vu moments

At different intervals of time.

My body forgets what it lost, and it reaches for you

I can still feel the ghostly sensation of your hand fitting perfectly in mine

How many times do I need to forget to remember?

When the fullness of your absence finally sets in

It weighs and wears me down

And I wish I could forget again. ◆

Amira Ayed is a young Saudi writer in the making. You can find her on Twitter.